and Building Secure Relationships
Starting preschool can bring a strange mixture of emotions.
Excitement. Pride. Worry. Maybe even a little guilt.
And that's just the grown-ups!
For children, starting preschool means stepping into a whole new world. New adults, new children, new routines, new expectations and a new environment — all without the person who has usually been their safe base standing beside them.
Some children walk through the door on their first morning as though they've been coming for years.
Others hold on tightly and decide, actually, they'd quite like you to stay forever.
Both are okay.
At Kind Hearts, we don't expect children to simply arrive and instantly feel comfortable because they're "ready for preschool".
Feeling safe comes first.
And settling into preschool takes different amounts of time — and sometimes different approaches — for different children.
"They cried when I left. Should I have stayed?"
This is probably one of the hardest parts of starting preschool for parents.
If your child is crying at preschool drop-off, leaving them can feel completely unnatural.
You might get as far as the car and wonder whether you should turn around and go back.
But tears at the door don't necessarily tell us how a child's day is going to unfold.
For some children, the difficult bit is the separation itself.
They're communicating:
"I don't want you to go."
And that's understandable. You're their safe person.
Our job isn't to tell them there's nothing to be upset about. To them, there is.
Instead, we acknowledge what they're feeling while reassuring them that they're safe:
"You really wanted Mummy to stay. It's hard saying goodbye sometimes."
"Your grown-up has gone now, but they'll come back after lunch."
"I'm here with you. Would you like a cuddle?"
We might then gently help them find something familiar or interesting:
"Shall we go and see if the trains are out?"
"Would you like to help me feed the dolls?"
"I saw the playdough earlier — I wonder what colour it is today?"
We're not trying to distract children from their feelings as though those feelings don't matter.
We're showing them:
You can feel sad that your grown-up has gone AND still be safe here with me.
Over time, that's how trust grows.
And we know how difficult it can be for parents to walk away while their child is crying and then spend the next hour wondering whether they're still upset.
That's why, where possible, we'll send you an update through Eylog once your child has settled. It might be a quick message to let you know the tears have stopped and they're happily playing, but sometimes that's all a parent needs to be able to relax too!
And if they don't settle?
We'll tell you that as well.
If a child becomes very distressed or we feel that continuing the session isn't in their best interests, we will contact you. Settling-in isn't about leaving a child distressed until they eventually "get used to it".
We can change the plan.
Because the aim isn't simply to get you out of the door.
The aim is for your child to learn that preschool is a safe place to be.
Try it at home
When talking about preschool, it's tempting to reassure children by saying:
"Don't cry."
"There's nothing to worry about."
"You love preschool!"
But if they are worried, those words can accidentally tell them that their feelings are wrong.
Instead, try:
"You might feel sad when I leave. That's okay. Your teachers will look after you and I will always come back."
Or:
"It's okay to miss me. I'll be thinking about you too, and I'll see you after lunch."
We're not trying to convince children not to have feelings.
We're helping them learn that they can cope with those feelings.
"How do they know when I'm coming back?"
Young children don't understand time in the same way adults do.
"I'll be back at one o'clock" doesn't mean very much if you don't really know what one o'clock is.
That's one of the reasons we use visual timelines at preschool.
The timeline helps children see what is happening throughout their day and what will happen next.
Rather than an unfamiliar adult simply saying:
"Mummy will be back later,"
we can show them.
"Look — we're playing now, then we'll have snack, then we'll go outside, then Mummy comes back."
For a child who is still learning our routine, being able to see where they are in their day can be incredibly reassuring.
Visual timelines can be particularly helpful when helping children settle into preschool, because they make an unfamiliar routine more predictable.
And predictable feels safe.
Try it at home
Talk about time using events your child understands rather than clock times.
For example:
"First we'll get dressed, then we'll drive to preschool, then I'll give you a cuddle and say goodbye. You'll play, have lunch, and then I'll come back."
You could even make your own simple picture routine at home if your child responds well to visual prompts.
And try to use the same reference point that we use at preschool.
If we've told them:
"Daddy comes back after lunch,"
hearing the same message from you helps everything join together.
"Should I sneak out while they're playing?"
It can be incredibly tempting.
They're happily building a tower...
They haven't noticed you're edging towards the door...
This could be your chance!
But wherever possible, we would much rather children experience a clear, predictable goodbye.
If a grown-up disappears without saying goodbye, a child may begin to worry that they could disappear at any moment, and it also destroys the trust we are trying to build.
Instead, we want children to gradually learn a very predictable pattern:
My grown-up says goodbye.
My grown-up leaves.
I am safe here.
My grown-up comes back.
That last part is incredibly important.
Every time you leave and return, you're giving your child another little piece of evidence:
"They always come back."
Try it at home
Create a simple goodbye routine and try to keep it consistent.
It might be:
A cuddle.
A kiss.
"Have a lovely day. I'll see you after lunch."
And then you go.
Try not to let goodbye become longer and longer if your child becomes upset. Understandably, we often linger because we want to make them feel better, but sometimes that can make the separation harder.
Your calm confidence tells them:
"I know you're safe here."
Even if you're saving your own little wobble for the car park!
"But what if they're still upset after I've gone?"
We'll comfort them.
It sounds simple, but it's important for parents to know.
We won't expect a distressed child to simply "get on with it".
We'll stay close. We'll offer cuddles if they want them. We'll talk to them. We'll use our visual timeline to remind them what is happening next. We'll help them find something that feels familiar and gradually encourage them to explore when they're ready.
For some children that happens within minutes.
For others, building trust takes longer.
And sometimes we need to change our approach completely.
We might agree that next time, Mum or Dad leaves for a very short period and comes back while their child is still happy, gradually building up the time apart.
For another child, it might be more helpful for their grown-up to stay and play for a while.
We might encourage you to explore the room together, play with some of the toys and interact with the practitioners while your child watches.
You're helping to show them:
"I know these people. I feel comfortable here. It's safe for you to play here too."
There isn't one preschool settling-in routine that works for every child.
If something isn't working, we'll work with you and try something different.
"How will you know what comforts my child?"
This starts before we've really got to know them.
We ask parents to complete the All About Me information on Eylog because those little details can be incredibly useful.
What do they love playing with?
What are they interested in?
What makes them laugh?
What do they call their comforter?
Are they currently completely obsessed with dinosaurs, diggers, Peppa Pig or anything with wheels?
Something that might seem like a tiny detail can sometimes provide exactly the connection a practitioner needs.
A child standing nervously at the edge of the room might not yet want to talk to us.
But if we know they absolutely love dinosaurs, we might sit nearby and start playing with them.
"Oh! I wonder what dinosaur this is..."
Suddenly, there's something familiar in an unfamiliar place.
And that gives us somewhere to start.
So please tell us the little things.
They aren't little to your child.
"What if something is different at home that day?"
Tell us.
Eylog isn't only there for us to communicate with you — you can communicate with us too.
Perhaps your child didn't sleep well.
Maybe they've spent the weekend at Nanny's house.
Perhaps Dad is working away.
Maybe you've had an unusually rushed morning.
Or perhaps something exciting happened yesterday and they're desperate to tell everyone about it!
Knowing what's happening outside preschool can help us understand what we're seeing inside preschool.
If a child who usually bounces through the door is suddenly tearful, knowing they were awake half the night gives us some useful context.
It might mean they need a quieter morning, a little more reassurance or simply an extra cuddle.
You know your child best.
We get to know a different side of them while they're with us.
When we share those little pieces of information, we can understand the whole child much better.
"They were absolutely fine on the first day... and now they're crying!"
This can really confuse parents.
Your child bounced in for the first week.
You thought you'd cracked it.
Then suddenly, a week or two later, they don't want you to leave.
This can happen.
At first, preschool is exciting and new. Children may not fully understand that this is now part of their regular routine.
Then the novelty wears off and they realise:
"Oh. We're doing this again!"
They may also become more attached to particular adults, more aware of the routine or simply be tired from processing so many new experiences.
It doesn't necessarily mean something has gone wrong.
Settling isn't always a straight line.
A child can have three brilliant days followed by a difficult one.
They can confidently wave goodbye one week and need a cuddle at the door the next.
Adults have days like that too.
Try it at home
Rather than asking:
"Why don't you want to go to preschool?"
which can be quite a big question for a young child to answer, try becoming curious:
"I noticed saying goodbye felt tricky today."
"Was there something you were thinking about?"
Or simply:
"You really wanted me to stay today."
Sometimes children won't have an explanation.
They might just have needed you a little more that morning.
And that's okay.
"They don't tell me anything about their day!"
You've waited all day to hear about preschool.
They come running out.
You ask:
"What did you do today?"
And receive:
"Nothing."
Helpful.
Young children aren't always able to retrieve and summarise an entire day's experiences on demand.
And after spending hours navigating play, friendships, routines, emotions and new experiences, they may simply be finished talking!
Instead of lots of questions immediately at collection, give them time.
Later, you might try:
"What made you laugh today?"
"Who did you sit next to at lunch?"
"Did you play outside?"
"What was the messiest thing you did?"
"Did anything feel tricky today?"
Or one of our favourites:
"What was the best bit?"
You might get an answer.
You might still get "nothing".
And then, three days later while you're brushing their teeth, you'll hear an extremely detailed account of something that happened on Tuesday!
"They seem exhausted after preschool!"
They probably are.
Imagine walking into a new workplace where you don't quite know everyone's names, aren't sure where anything is kept, don't completely understand the routine and have to concentrate on every social interaction.
You'd be tired too.
Children are doing an enormous amount of processing when they start preschool.
They're learning where things belong, remembering routines, navigating friendships, managing emotions, communicating their needs, sharing adults' attention and taking in huge amounts of sensory information.
So don't be surprised if your usually cheerful child gets home and completely falls apart because their banana broke in half. They have had a long day with so much learning!!
Try it at home
The first few weeks of preschool don't necessarily need to be packed with extra activities.
Some children benefit from quiet time after preschool, familiar food, cuddles, stories and perhaps an earlier bedtime.
And if emotions are running high, remember that behaviour is often communication.
Instead of:
"What's wrong with you today?"
try:
"You've had a really busy day. I think you might be tired. Come and sit with me for a minute."
Sometimes they don't need us to fix anything.
They just need to reconnect.
"What if my child needs something different?"
Then we adapt.
There isn't one correct way for a child to settle.
Some children need a comforter.
Some need photographs of family.
Some want lots of cuddles.
Some don't want to be touched when they're upset and would rather an adult simply stay nearby.
Some want to stand at the edge of the room and watch for a while before joining in.
Some need the same activity waiting for them every morning.
Some need a very quick goodbye.
Some need their grown-up to stay and play initially.
Some benefit from very short separations that gradually become longer.
Getting to know those things is part of getting to know your child.
That's why communication between home and preschool matters so much.
The information you share through your All About Me, the messages you send us on Eylog and the conversations we have at the door all help us build a picture of your child.
And as we get to know them ourselves, we can work together to find what helps them feel safe.
The goal isn't "no tears"
It's tempting to measure settling by whether a child cries at the door.
But that's not really what we're looking for.
A child can cry when their parent leaves and still go on to have a secure, happy day.
What we're looking for over time is something much bigger.
Do they begin to accept comfort from us?
Do they explore?
Do they recognise the routine and use the visual timeline to understand what's coming next?
Do they communicate what they need?
Do they form relationships?
Do they laugh?
Do they play?
Do they begin to trust that their grown-up will come back?
Because settling into preschool isn't about teaching children that they shouldn't miss you.
It's about helping them discover:
I can miss you and still be okay.
There are other grown-ups who will care for me when you're not here.
This is somewhere I belong.
And perhaps most importantly:
You always come back.
It may take days.
It may take weeks.
There may be brilliant mornings followed by difficult ones.
If you're currently helping your child settle into preschool, remember that progress isn't always a straight line.
And if the plan we've started with isn't working, we'll change it.
Because settling-in isn't something we're doing to your child.
It's something we're working through with them — and with you.
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