How Preschoolers Learn Social Skills

Two children want the same red bike.

Neither is willing to consider the perfectly good blue bike sitting approximately three feet away.

One child is holding firmly onto the handlebars.

The other is shouting:

"I WANT A TURN!"

Someone is crying.

And somewhere nearby, an adult is probably wondering why we don't simply tell the child on the bike:

"You've had it long enough. You need to share."

Welcome to preschool friendships.

They're wonderful.

They're complicated.

And sometimes they're extremely loud.

Learning how to make friends, communicate, negotiate, wait, disagree, set boundaries and repair relationships is a huge part of early childhood.

And just like learning to count or hold a pencil, children aren't born knowing how to do any of it.

They have to learn.

"Why don't you just make them share?"

Because sharing is actually quite complicated.

Imagine you're sitting in a café using your phone.

A stranger walks over and says:

"Can I have a turn?"

You say no.

Then another adult takes the phone out of your hand and says:

"You've had it for ages. It's their turn now."

You'd probably be a little confused.

And possibly quite cross.

Yet we sometimes expect young children to accept exactly that with toys.

At Kind Hearts, we absolutely want children to become kind, considerate people who can share and cooperate with others.

But that doesn't necessarily mean immediately giving something up the moment another child asks for it.

If a child is deeply involved in playing with something, we might help the other child say:

"Can I have a turn when you're finished?"

And we might help the child who's using it respond:

"Yes, when I'm finished."

Now both children's needs matter.

One child is learning to wait.

The other is learning that somebody else would like a turn and that the resource doesn't belong to them forever.

That's very different from an adult simply removing it from their hands.

But what if they NEVER finish?

An excellent question.

Because anyone who has spent time with a determined three-year-old knows that "I'm still using it" can sometimes become a surprisingly long-term arrangement.

This is where practitioners use judgement.

We might say:

"Amelia is waiting for a turn. When you've finished going around the track, shall we let her know?"

Or:

"You've been using the digger for a while and Theo is waiting. What do you need to finish before you're ready to swap?"

Sometimes we'll help children agree on a natural finishing point.

Other times there are enough resources for us to help the waiting child find an alternative.

And sometimes children come up with their own solution.

"You can have this one and I'll have that one."

"Let's both play."

"I'll give you the truck if I can have the dinosaur."

Not every solution needs to come from an adult.

In fact, some of the best social learning happens when it doesn't.

"But shouldn't children learn to share?"

Absolutely.

We just want them to understand what sharing actually means.

Sharing isn't:

An adult can make me surrender something whenever another child wants it.

It's gradually learning:

Other people have wants and needs too.

Sometimes I have to wait.

Sometimes somebody else has to wait for me.

We can negotiate.

We can find another solution.

Things at preschool are for everybody, even if I'm using them right now.

Those are much more complicated lessons.

And they take time.

"They said another child wouldn't let them play"

This one can really tug at a parent's heart.

Your child comes home and says:

"Nobody would play with me."

Immediately, your mind can jump to an image of them sitting alone in a corner for six hours while everyone else has a wonderful time.

Usually, the reality is a little more nuanced.

Perhaps they asked to join one particular game and another child said no.

Perhaps their best friend wanted to play with somebody else that day.

Perhaps they disagreed about what the game should be.

Or perhaps there genuinely was a moment when they felt left out.

Those feelings still matter.

But young children's friendships are incredibly fluid.

Two children can announce:

"You're NOT my friend anymore!"

at 10:07am...

…and be making each other pretend cups of tea at 10:12am.

Preschool relationships are where children begin learning that friendship doesn't always mean getting what you want.

What do practitioners do when children fall out?

It depends.

Sometimes we need to step in immediately.

If somebody is being hurt, frightened or repeatedly ignored when they're asking another child to stop, an adult will intervene.

But if two children are having a disagreement they may be capable of resolving, we don't always need to swoop in with the answer.

We might stay close and help them find the words.

For example:

"You're both telling me you want the same truck. Hmm. What could we do?"

Notice we haven't immediately decided who gets it.

We're giving them a problem to solve.

One child might suggest:

"I had it first."

The other might say:

"I want it!"

We could ask:

"Could you think of a way that both of you get a turn?"

Perhaps they'll surprise us.

Perhaps they won't.

They're three.

Sometimes the answer will still be:

"NO! IT'S MINE!"

That's when they might need a little more help.

The words children need before they can solve problems

It's very difficult to negotiate when you don't yet have the language to explain what's wrong.

So a huge part of supporting children's social development is giving them useful words and phrases.

You might hear us model things like:

"Can I have a turn when you're finished?"

"I'm still using it."

"Stop. I don't like that."

"Please don't do that."

"Can I play too?"

"Can we do it together?"

"I need help."

"I didn't like it when you did that."

These might sound like simple sentences.

But they're powerful.

We're giving children alternatives to grabbing, pushing, screaming or simply giving in.

"Stop. I don't like that."

This is one we really want children to feel confident saying.

Young children need to learn that they're allowed to have boundaries.

If somebody is doing something they don't like — perhaps taking something from them, repeatedly knocking down their building or getting too close during play — we can help them communicate that clearly.

"Tell them: Stop. I don't like that."

And importantly, we also teach the child on the receiving end that those words matter.

"Freddie said stop. He doesn't like that. You need to stop now."

That's an important lesson for both children.

One child learns:

I can speak up when something doesn't feel okay.

The other learns:

When somebody tells me to stop, I need to listen.

Of course, children won't always manage this perfectly.

That's why the adults are there.

What if my child hits, pushes or grabs?

First: they're not the first preschooler to do it.

And they won't be the last.

Young children are still developing language, emotional regulation and impulse control.

Sometimes their body reacts before their words arrive.

That doesn't mean we ignore the behaviour.

We set the boundary.

"I won't let you hit."

"You're angry because you wanted the bike, but I won't let you hurt him."

Then we help with what they can do.

"You can say, 'Can I have a turn?'"

"If you're angry, come and get me."

"Let's tell her you didn't like that."

We're separating the feeling from the behaviour.

It's okay to be angry.

It's okay to be disappointed.

It's okay to desperately want the red bike.

It's not okay to hurt somebody to get it.

"Say sorry!"

This is another instinct most of us have.

One child knocks another child's tower down.

We immediately say:

"Say sorry."

The child looks at the floor and mutters:

"Sorry."

Job done?

Maybe not.

We want children to gradually understand the impact of what happened, rather than simply learning that saying one particular word ends the conversation.

So we might say:

"Look at Charlie. His tower fell down and he's upset."

"What could we do to help?"

Perhaps the child says sorry.

Great.

But they might also help rebuild the tower.

Fetch the blocks.

Offer a cuddle.

Or ask:

"Are you okay?"

Repairing a relationship can be more meaningful than simply producing the word sorry on demand.

What about kindness?

We absolutely encourage it.

But genuine kindness grows from understanding other people, not just following adult instructions.

Throughout the day, there are hundreds of tiny opportunities for this.

A child notices somebody crying and brings them their comforter.

Someone moves over to make room at the table.

A child sees their friend struggling with their coat and tries to help.

Someone saves a seat for another child.

A child says:

"She can have mine."

These moments might not look like formal learning.

But they're huge.

Children are beginning to notice:

Other people have feelings too.

That's the beginning of empathy.

Sometimes children need help joining in

Walking up to a group of children already playing and saying:

"Can I play?"

sounds simple.

It isn't always.

Some children find joining play very difficult.

They might stand nearby watching.

They might grab something because they don't know how else to enter the game.

They might knock something over.

They might repeatedly shout somebody's name.

Rather than simply saying:

"Go and play with them,"

a practitioner can help create an entry point.

Perhaps three children are running a pretend café.

We might say:

"Oh! I think your café needs another customer. I wonder if Ava would like some lunch?"

Or:

"Leo has found some more blocks. Do you need those for your building?"

We're not forcing a friendship.

We're helping a child learn how to join a social situation.

Eventually, they'll need less help from us.

"They have a best friend. Is that a good thing?"

Lovely friendships can absolutely develop at preschool.

Children may have particular people they seek out every morning.

And those relationships can be incredibly important.

But we also gently encourage children to feel comfortable playing with different people.

Preschool is a brilliant place to discover:

This child loves dinosaurs like me.

That child makes me laugh.

This child likes building.

That child wants to chase me around the garden for twenty minutes.

Different friendships offer different things.

And children's friendships can change quickly as their interests and confidence develop.

That's normal.

Try it at home: Don't solve every disagreement immediately

Siblings provide plenty of opportunities for practising this one!

Two children want the same thing.

Before immediately deciding who gets it, try:

"Hmm. You both want the same toy. What could we do?"

Give them a moment.

They may come up with a solution.

If they can't, you can help.

But asking the question first tells them:

I think you're capable of solving problems.

Try it at home: Help them find the words

If your child grabs something, instead of only saying:

"Don't snatch!"

give them the sentence they could use:

"You wanted that. Try asking, 'Can I have a turn when you're finished?'"

If they're upset with another child:

"Tell them, 'I didn't like that.'"

If they need an adult:

"You can say, 'I need help.'"

Knowing what not to do isn't always enough.

Children also need us to teach them what they can do instead.

Try it at home: Be careful with forced sharing

If another child wants something your child is currently using, you don't always need to immediately say:

"Share!"

You could try:

"They're waiting for a turn. Can you let them know when you've finished?"

Likewise, if your child wants something somebody else has:

"They're using it at the moment. You can ask for a turn when they're finished."

Both children are learning the same important lesson:

My needs matter — and so do yours.

Try it at home: Talk about what happened, not who was "naughty"

If your child tells you about a disagreement at preschool, it can be tempting to immediately work out who was right and who was wrong.

"Why did they do that to you?"

"Did you tell the teacher?"

"That's not very nice!"

Instead, try getting curious.

"What happened next?"

"What did you say?"

"How did that make you feel?"

"Did you manage to sort it out?"

"Did you need some help?"

You're much more likely to get the full story.

And sometimes you'll discover that the dramatic tale about another child taking the dinosaur has missed the small detail that your child took it from them approximately thirty seconds earlier.

Preschoolers are not always the most reliable witnesses for the prosecution.

Making friends is a skill

We sometimes talk about children being "good at making friends" as though it's simply part of their personality.

But social skills are exactly that:

skills.

They develop through practice.

Children learn how to enter play by trying to enter play.

They learn how to negotiate by having disagreements.

They learn how to wait by sometimes having to wait.

They learn how to set boundaries by practising the words.

They learn empathy by seeing how their actions affect other people.

They learn how to repair relationships because sometimes relationships go wrong.

And they learn all of this gradually, with adults nearby to guide them when they need us.

So if your child tells you they fell out with their friend today, it doesn't necessarily mean something terrible happened.

They may have been practising one of the most complicated things they'll ever learn:

how to get along with other human beings.

And considering plenty of adults are still working on that one...

we think our preschoolers are doing pretty well.